Put a wonk on it.

It all started out as a good idea. "Get a blog!", I thought. "No more copy/paste and no repetitions!" gave me a warm feeling inside and starting the blog gave me that glow only pregnant women and PCP addicts radiate. But home is where the hatred is, so the feelings of joy and hippiedom were rather shortlived and several friends immediately pointed out that the whole thing felt a bit fake without any REAL emotion.

Cut. Chase. Action.

For a while now, some people have been using the term "Wonky" to describe certain areas of popular music. In itself, this poses no real threat to me and I could just ignore the fact that people I like or respect are using this word to pigeonhole parts of music I love. Luckily, I'm not that kind of guy.

"Wonky", according to inventor Martin Clark, is a theme, NOT a genre. I really like his writing and music and respect him an' all, but why oh why does he have to invent this stuff? What's the point? Basically, as far as I can see, "Wonky" means: dance music with big midrange/treble synth leads. The few people that use the term usually do so in conjunction with artist names like Joker, Rustie, Zomby, Flying Lotus, a bunch of 8-bit people and apparently the Skweee man dem. Even though these people have probably heard of each other and some of them actually work together, They have very little in common, except for the use of big, trebly synth leads over dance beats that involve BOTH bass AND beats. Historically this has obviously been done a million times before. Think Dr. Dre.: "The Chronic" or just go straight to one of many sources: George Clinton. But apparently, Clinton and Dre are not "Wonky". Wonkieness can only be achieved at the end of the 00's and again only by the artists mentioned above. Since Blackdown invented the term, I have very rarely seen additions to this "theme". In fact, only some of the Skweee people have been lumped in and I'm sort of guessing that is mostly so that they have more adjectives to think about. Basically, "Wonky" is an adjective, just like "hard", "funky" and other words you don't want to put in front of "house". This sort of brings us to the whole point: There is none. Wonky is just a very crappy way of describing very little. At least when you say "hard", people are gonna guess that you mean something with some banging drums or harsh synths. When you say "wonky", people who haven't read Mr. Clark should walk away from your conversation and the ones that have read it should just slap you 'til you promise never to do it again, wonker.

Next issue on The Agenda Of Hate: Donk.

Donk recently rose to fame through the pages of Vice magazine. When I first saw the article and accompanying documentary, I was convinced that this was some elaborate and very well-made spoof. It took several re-readings, google searches and youtubeings before I even began to grasp the horror. I'm actually still waiting/hoping for someone to expose this hoax. It would make this world a better place.

Since I first heard it, I've been consumed by an extreme amount of hate. So much so, that I began questioning my own emotions and gut reactions. Why do I hate this SO much? It's just a bunch of no-future-having, steroid-taking, bad-music-taste-having kids? What have they done to me? Answer: They invented the word "Donk" and plastered it across even more crappy euro dance. As if that wasn't enough, they also rap/MC over the top of it.

On paper it all looks good: pissed off lower class youth, electronic dance music, rap = usually the start of new and vibrant genres (think hiphop, grime, jungle, etc.). Not the case. This is just pure crap.

Unfortunately, a lot of people I know and usually respect, seem to think that this is the next big thing or just some harmless fun. I tell these people that they are wrong and that they should stop worshipping false gods before the Lord Almighty smites them with AIDS.

The absolutely worst thing is that the main song of the genre, Blackout Crews "Put A Donk On It" is so infectious and downright fucking stupid, that a part of me cannot help but like it. A very small part of my heart that is probably a tumor waiting to happen. BUT I don't like it in a musical way, for this is not music. More in the way that I love watching Bud Spencer slap somebody on the top of their head so they sink 20 cm in to the sand. Yes, I feel guilty after giggling.

So there you have it. I absolutely hate the term "Wonky" to describe music and "Donk" just isn't an option. This post doesn't make that much sense, but that's the beauty of hate, it doesn't have to make sense. In fact, it's an emotion, so you just have to feel it. Next stop: Iceland.

EDIT: More fuel for my fire. Wonky should be thrown down a flight of stairs.